Desire


Why do we all go crazy for big ass?

Does my bum look big enough in this

Whatever happened to the cliche ‘does my bum look big in this’?

What I’d like to know is this. Whatever happened to that time when women wore girdles to flatten their curves? And when did men suddenly begin finding huge bottoms a massive turn-on? Or have we always done? Perhaps more pertinently in these days of militant feminism, is it right that many women nowadays actually become more famous for the size of their posterior than their intelligence, their talent or looks in general? It’s a question, right?

Maybe it’s because everything is now hyped to the nth degree. We live in an age of largesse. Of excess. Of riches, poverty, fame and obscurity. Of beauty and ugliness. And a parasitic media that thrives on blowing these things up out of all proportion. It’s the hyper-inflation of all things. We’re pumping our bodies up to the size of our egos. And that’s BIG. Prosthetically-enanced posteriors have become de rigueur, titanic tushes and Brobdingnagian buttocks abound.

In one sense you could say it’s just another evolutionary development. We dress, wear perfume, flex our pecs and primp our hair to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex. But why stop there? Nowadays medical advances mean we can take our most attractive features and accentuate them into objects of excruciating desire. Our boobs, our lips, our asses – have become the latest fashion items, stuff you pick from a surgeon’s catalogue like a new pair of shoes.

As if that wasn’t a troubling enough trend, as our body parts swell and expand under the cosmetic surgeon’s wizardry, the garments designed to clothe them shrink to ever scantier, tighter, more revealing proportions. Some days you wonder where it will all end. Women with tits like beach-balls covered with postage-stamp sized shreds of cloth? An ass as big as a bride’s train that needs a golf-buggy to get it from room to room? Maybe these people already exist out there. Some of the images I’ve seen on social media recently wouldn’t look out of place in a freak show.

But hey, I guess it’s a free world. And for all the ladies out there with big bums, I wrote this poem.

 

Does my bum look big enough in this?

 by Frank Bukowski
Does my butt look too big in this?
Chantille asked
Doing a 360
Tyrone shook his head
You’re just saying that, she said
Turning sideways in the mirror
No really, does it look big?
I said, din’ I
Chantille looked at him
Then back at the mirror
Sticking out her butt
You liar, it’s HUGE!
He shrugged, whatever
Awww c’mon hon
I can’t go no weddin
Lookin like I godda goddam beach ball
Sewed on my butt!
Pleeeeease?
Okay, it’s small!  It’s fuckin invisible!
Happy?
Fuck YOU!
On the drive back in
Chantille sat in stony silence
When he could bear it no more
Tyrone said listen
You really wanna know
Whad I think?
Chantille didn’t answer
I LIKE it big, he said
Great
No, I mean it
Wochafink I’ma allays hot fyo girl?
My personality?
Cain’t fuck no personality
Oh GREAT, she said, thanks a bunch!
When they entered the ramp onto the freeway
Tyrone floored it
For two miles neither of them spoke
When we get back, he said
Finally breaking the silence
Do me a favour, yeah?
Chantille’s head swivelled in slow motion
She sucked in her cheek
Look up dat Kardashian bitch
Know wh’am sayin?
WHAT!
I mean check out her google shit
Beyonce, Britney, Shakira, J Lo
All dem bitches
Chantille’s eyes came out for a walk
Ya’ll lookin for a smack here muthafucka?
Got five the most googled asses onna planet
Right there
Tells you all you need know
Bout motherfuckers and asses
Wait a minute, she said
You saying you motherfuckers LIKE big asses?
Tyrone grinned his answer
You bet yo ass it looks big in dat dress
Goddam right it do
Yeah right
Chantille huffed, folding her arms
And turning away
When he glanced in the mirror
Tyrone caught her smiling
Out the side window
And stop askin damn fool questions

 

 

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Does my bum look big enough in this?

Kim on cover of 'Paper' Magazine

 

The objectification of women as sexual objects is a subject that has generated a fair few hundred miles of column inches over the centuries. Nothing seems more calculated then, to raise the hackles of feminists, than the Royal Academy’s recently opened retrospective by 60’s artist Allen Jones. Jones took the objectification of women to a whole new level by portraying them as pieces of domestic furniture with distinctly erotic overtones.

'Table' - by Allen Jones

‘Table’ – by Allen Jones.

'Chair' - by Allen Jones

‘Chair’ – by Allen Jones

'Hatstand' - by Allen Jones

‘Hatstand’ – by Allen Jones

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, you can come up with all the arty-farty rationales you like (and Jones did, describing himself, without a hint of irony, as a ‘feminist’), but when you get down to ground zero, these artworks are a blatant appeal to the most basic sexual desire lurking at the heart of every man’s DNA. Men don’t buy The Sun for the quality of its journalism. I would bet that for every visitor to the Royal Academy admiring Jones’ sculptures for their conceptual import, there will be a hundred voyeurs enjoying a sexual thrill.

Controversy has always stalked erotic art. Manet’s Olympia – a full frontal painting of a naked prostitute reclining on a chaise longue – caused an uproar when it was exhibited at the Paris Salon of 1865. But that was tame compared to Courbet’s The Origin of the World, exhibited the following year. Courbet’s close-up portrait of the genitals of a reclining woman with her legs spread wide would raise eyebrows even today. So perhaps we shouldn’t view the Allen Jones retrospective through the lens of our politically-correct modern zeitgeist, but as part of a much older and venerable tradition. Jones was after all painting in the ‘Swinging Sixties’ when political correctness hadn’t yet been invented.

While we’re on the subject, it can’t have escaped anyone’s attention that one particular lady’s appendages have loomed larger than most over the past fortnight. To feminists’ chagrin the world over, there’s hardly been a web page without a picture of Kim Kardashian’s prominent figure begging men to click and explore.

In her now famous attempt to ‘Break the Internet’, Kardashian recently appeared on the cover of Paper magazine balancing a glass of champagne on her shelf-like butt. A few days later she was photographed in probably the tightest plastic dress this side of Mars Attacks, as she stepped out to promote her new fragrance at the Spice Market in Melbourne. Of course, we all know the thing that Kardashian was really promoting was herself. Or to put it more accurately, the figure on which her fame and fortune has been built.

Kim balancing bubbly on her butt

Writing for Time magazine, pop-culture junkie Brian Moylan described Kim’s butt as an ‘empty promise’. At the end of the day, he argues, she’s just a walking backside. A fairly handsome one, true, depending on your persuasion, but just a pair of buttocks. Which makes the frenzy she is able to create just by flaunting it in our faces worthy of comment. Men, it seems, are just prisoners of our DNA. We can’t help ourselves. “We fall for the trap every damn time.”

Kardashian’s rear has been provoking a mixed response in the media. The New York Times, in a column entitled “Fear of Kim Kardashian’s Derriere,” joked that it had gone more viral than the ice-bucket challenge, raising the terrifying spectre of copycat asses spreading like a virus as impressionable women lined up outside cosmetic surgeons to pick their ass from a brochure. “I’ll have the Kim.” It conjured up dystopian visions of pedestrians being barged off futuristic sidewalks by big-butted behemoths, under the wheels of passing juggernauts. Maybe we’ll need special ‘Butt lanes’ painting on our pavements soon.

Vanity Fair meanwhile, reported how one enterprising company which produced prep materials for schoolkids studying maths, incorporated questions about Kim’s perfectly rotund rear end into a geometry-related test paper. Way to go.

Kim’s ass apparently even spawned a new word, the ‘belfie’, when she took a picture of it in a mirror on her cell phone, and nearly took down Twitter in the process. Rumour has it she’s going to have an artistic mould made of it, as a gift to her man, luckiest dude on the planet Kayne West.

Kim in a pink plastic dress

 

Coming full circle, can I leave you to ponder this troubling thought? That Kim Kardashian’s ass may be the 21st Century equivalent of a work of modern art. That was a question also floated by BBC art critic Will Gompertz in his blog. When you compare the image of Kim balancing a flute of bubbly on her booty to Allen Jones’ ‘Table’ of 1969, the notion isn’t as far-fetched as it seems. Maybe, like Andy Warhol and Jeff Koons, Kim Kardashian is really an artistic genius. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Men are her audience, and she knows how to work us. We should know better but we can’t help ourselves. Perhaps I should leave almost the last word to Moylan:

“Kim Kardashian’s butt is the biological equivalent of click-bait. We can’t help but pay attention to it, but we’re always upset by the lack of substance. We want there to be something more, some reason or context, some great explanation that tells us what it is like to live in this very day and age, but there is not. Kim Kardashian’s ass is nothing but an empty promise.” I’ll drink to that.

In fact, to honour Kim’s awesome ass, I wrote this poem, called ‘Does my bum look big enough in this?’ Hope you like it.

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The day I met Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If there was a poll for the most desirable woman who ever lived – I mean the most beautiful, sexiest creature to walk the planet – Marilyn Monroe would have to be up there. She was adored by men and women alike. Still is. And judging from the millions of her images still being shared and posted and favourited every day on sites like Pinterest, plus the thousands upon thousands of boards and galleries set up in homage to her, Marilyn’s timeless allure is as powerful today as ever.

Generations of teenagers have grown up with posters of Marilyn blue-tacked to their bedroom walls. Like many an adolescent I often dreamed myself to sleep making passionate if amateurish love to her. I still have that poster rolled up in a trunk in the attic. I don’t think I could ever bear to part with it. Like an old Hendrix LP, it has become part of my identity, and remains a nostalgic memento of that heady crossroads in my life when I changed from boy to man. Oh how I miss my youth.

For me one of the greatest tragedies of the Twentieth Century was the day we lost her. In my own personal timeline it ranks among the blackest days in history, right up there with the deaths of Rupert Brooke, Duncan Edwards and James Marshall Hendrix. A day that left a bruise on the heart that never quite healed. A sense of what might have been. If only. Damn it.

Thankfully, for those of us who still miss her, Marilyn still lives on in her funny and glamorous movies. Her perfection is kept alive in our memories by the millions of gorgeous photographs taken, the library-full of books written and documentaries made about her. She is still providing succour and inspiration, fuelling our desire, all these years later.

In fact, in my short story The Blonde Bombshell, I reveal shocking new evidence that Marilyn Monroe never actually died at all, but lives on as fresh and lovely as ever, in the rural backwater of Norfolk, England, in 2014.

The Blonde Bombshell was originally published in my 700 page short story and poetry collection, Sex on the Brain, but you can read it here for free. Get the tissues ready guys, and enjoy.

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