Whatever happened to the cliche ‘does my bum look big in this’?
What I’d like to know is this. Whatever happened to that time when women wore girdles to flatten their curves? And when did men suddenly begin finding huge bottoms a massive turn-on? Or have we always done? Perhaps more pertinently in these days of militant feminism, is it right that many women nowadays actually become more famous for the size of their posterior than their intelligence, their talent or looks in general? It’s a question, right?
Maybe it’s because everything is now hyped to the nth degree. We live in an age of largesse. Of excess. Of riches, poverty, fame and obscurity. Of beauty and ugliness. And a parasitic media that thrives on blowing these things up out of all proportion. It’s the hyper-inflation of all things. We’re pumping our bodies up to the size of our egos. And that’s BIG. Prosthetically-enanced posteriors have become de rigueur, titanic tushes and Brobdingnagian buttocks abound.
In one sense you could say it’s just another evolutionary development. We dress, wear perfume, flex our pecs and primp our hair to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex. But why stop there? Nowadays medical advances mean we can take our most attractive features and accentuate them into objects of excruciating desire. Our boobs, our lips, our asses – have become the latest fashion items, stuff you pick from a surgeon’s catalogue like a new pair of shoes.
As if that wasn’t a troubling enough trend, as our body parts swell and expand under the cosmetic surgeon’s wizardry, the garments designed to clothe them shrink to ever scantier, tighter, more revealing proportions. Some days you wonder where it will all end. Women with tits like beach-balls covered with postage-stamp sized shreds of cloth? An ass as big as a bride’s train that needs a golf-buggy to get it from room to room? Maybe these people already exist out there. Some of the images I’ve seen on social media recently wouldn’t look out of place in a freak show.
But hey, I guess it’s a free world. And for all the ladies out there with big bums, I wrote this poem.
Does my bum look big enough in this?
by Frank Bukowski
Does my butt look too big in this?
Doing a 360
Tyrone shook his head
You’re just saying that, she said
Turning sideways in the mirror
No really, does it look big?
I said, din’ I
Chantille looked at him
Then back at the mirror
Sticking out her butt
You liar, it’s HUGE!
He shrugged, whatever
Awww c’mon hon
I can’t go no weddin
Lookin like I godda goddam beach ball
Sewed on my butt!
Okay, it’s small! It’s fuckin invisible!
On the drive back in
Chantille sat in stony silence
When he could bear it no more
Tyrone said listen
You really wanna know
Whad I think?
Chantille didn’t answer
I LIKE it big, he said
No, I mean it
Wochafink I’ma allays hot fyo girl?
Cain’t fuck no personality
Oh GREAT, she said, thanks a bunch!
When they entered the ramp onto the freeway
Tyrone floored it
For two miles neither of them spoke
When we get back, he said
Finally breaking the silence
Do me a favour, yeah?
Chantille’s head swivelled in slow motion
She sucked in her cheek
Look up dat Kardashian bitch
Know wh’am sayin?
I mean check out her google shit
Beyonce, Britney, Shakira, J Lo
All dem bitches
Chantille’s eyes came out for a walk
Ya’ll lookin for a smack here muthafucka?
Got five the most googled asses onna planet
Tells you all you need know
Bout motherfuckers and asses
Wait a minute, she said
You saying you motherfuckers LIKE big asses?
Tyrone grinned his answer
You bet yo ass it looks big in dat dress
Goddam right it do
Chantille huffed, folding her arms
And turning away
When he glanced in the mirror
Tyrone caught her smiling
Out the side window
And stop askin damn fool questions