In a rare interview, Frank Bukowski recently answered the questions everyone had been dying to ask him.
Q. What are you working on now?
A. Some short stories and a clutch of novellas.
Q. More sexual fantasy?
A. There’s other stuff in there too. Like most writers I try to hold a mirror up to the world, so it can laugh at itself. I write about the things that interest me – our obsessions with money, fame, the media. And sex, obviously.
Q. Can you give us a peek inside any of them?
A. Well, there’ll be one about a rich football agent who manipulates peoples’ lives. He thinks he can have any girl he wants. Power is a great after-shave, my friend. Then he meets this girl who rejects his advances. His quest to seduce her becomes a point of honour, like Valmont in Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Another touches on my lifelong obsession with the bottom of a beautiful pop star, which is getting on for novelette size. Plus there’s a story satirizing those awful reality TV shows that seem to have taken over our lives, where for some bizarre reason people seem to enjoy being ritually humiliated on television. What’s that all about? Oh, and how could I forget, I’m doing a short pastiche of Fifty Shades of Grey, except it’s not called that, obviously. No self-respecting author whose subjects are comedy and sex can avoid Fifty.
Q. Sounds deep. Is there any bondage?
A. Well it wouldn’t be much of a Fifty spoof without a dumpster truck of BDSM. You bet it will be rammed with it.
Q. Do you write about sex toys? They don’t seem to figure much in Sex on the Brain.
A. It’s funny you should say that. I’ve just completed the first draft of a short about a woman who becomes a bit too attached to one, shall we say. It was too big to go in Sex on the Brain. I plan to redraft it a couple of times then release it as a stand-alone.
Q. Cool. Have you written in other genres?
A. Oh sure, I’m working on a Western novella right now. Plus there’s the short historical novel about the sex addiction of Henry VIII, which I published in 2013, The Six Wives of Henry VIII. Did you know Henry had a hundred and eighty four mistresses and ninety-eight illegitimate children?
Q. No way!
A. He also developed a penchant for pubescent waifs as he grew old that makes Jimmy Saville look like Winnie the Poo. Of course that was all perfectly legit and above board back in the day, but now it’s been largely airbrushed out by embarrassed Henrician biographers. It’s all there in the historical record if you care to look, I researched it meticulously. It’s going to blow the lid off Henry’s sex life and rewrite the history books. They’ll make a movie out of it one day. And the Western.
Q. Ah yes, the Western. I’m almost afraid to ask what that’s about.
A. It’s a kind of Unforgiven with dodgy sex.
A. I’ve told you way too much already. You’ll have to wait until it comes out.
Q. When will that be?
A. Soon. Drop me a line and I’ll let you know the minute it comes out.
Q. On your ‘Frank Facts’ page you give your age as indeterminate. Any clues?
A. A lady never asks a gentleman his age.
Q. Who said I’m a lady.
A. Okay, here’s a formula for working it out. Take Kylie’s vital statistics, which are 34, 23, 34, multiply them out, divide the resulting number by 6, add 2, multiply the resulting sum by the square root of 9, then divide it by the 4 digit PIN number of my UK Cash Cowboys Credit Card.
Q. What’s your 4 digit PIN number?
A. If I told you that my credit card company would sue my ass. There are some things a man needs to keep private. Ask me my parrot’s name.
Q. Ahm… so, what’s your parrot called?
A. I don’t have one.
Q. But if you did, how old would it be?
A. Twenty six, and nine months.
Q. Is the nine months important?
A. Is the nine months important? Life is important, my friend. Imagine you only had nine months to live, how important would it be then.
Q. Your parrot’s dying?
A. Nine months, nine seconds, life is sacred. A parrot can do a lot of living in nine months. It could fly around the world 13 times at an average speed of fifty miles an hour, not allowing for comfort breaks. It could visit Kylie’s home city of Melbourne, see the sun go down over Honolulu, watch it come up over the rooftops of Tallinn. Those nine months could make all the difference.
Q. That’s an interesting choice of locations.
Q. Would you care to say more about them?
A. I resent the tone of your question.
Q. Sorry. Why Tallinn?
A. It’s the city with the most beautiful women in the world.
Q. You made that up, right?
A. Google it. I stake my reputation on the veracity of that statement. This interview is now at an end.
Q. One final question, pur-lease?
A. Last one. Shoot.
Q. If I think up any more really cool and interesting questions, can I send them you? Would you publish them on this page?
A. Try me. Mail me or leave it as a comment on my blog. If it’s a totally awesome question that everyone is interested in, I’ll publish it on this page. If it sucks, I won’t. My decision will be final and binding and no negotiation will be entered into.by